As much as I am curious about the big questions in life, the reason I'm back to blogging is for a school assignment. You see, my teacher gave us an assignment to research one of the big, philosophical questions about life, and I decided that I could keep up on it by keeping this blog. Right now the big question that I'm researching is "what is the nature of existence?". Meaning ."why are we here and what makes life worthwhile?". I am looking at this through the work of Vincent VanGogh, but that isn't important just yet. This is about what I think NOW, before I start my official research.
I tried to have a little discussion about what the meaning of life is, but it quickly dissolved into a discussion of school and me in relation to my classmates. I guess when you have a simple answer, it doesn't seem like it's necessary to talk about the more complicated, smaller stuff, because it's there to go deeper and really about making connections that have already been made in the simple answer. The simple answer? We are all hear to know, love and serve God. That's what it all comes down to. The more complex one? The nature of existence really isn't it's own question. It's intricately connected with all these other questions, like the other two we could have picked to study- the nature of God, and the nature of Beauty. It's about the little things, and about learning Agape (greek for a specific form of love- unselfish, self-sacrificing, unconditional).
What I really find interesting though, (not that this isn't fascinating) is why people study the nature of our existence in the first place. I think that it's an attempt just to try and find our identity in a scope that we can better define, and that in a scope that we can even begin to understand. It;s less threatening. That's why I study. I figure that eventually, if I keep trying to understand life and other people, I will understand myself. I just want to figure myself out again. I can't be the first one. If I had to guess, I would say that this is probably the motivation that different people have had for studying the nature of human existence for as long as people have been studying human existence.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
The Bubble Theroy
This theroy, probably more than any other, need a visual. While I work on trting to get one- that will take a while- I will just leave you with my theroy to ponder. You see, we were talking in Humanities the other day about Motzart, and how he had such a sad life (as many great creative minds do) and created such perfectly sad music, but at the same time was able to create such exuberantly happy things. We started discussing if there was some connection between beauty and pain, and I think I have stumbled upon a sutible connection.
You see, we are all created in a sort of emotional bubble, (seriously, imagine a bubble-suspend it in something, and make it stretchy) and that is the realm of our emotion at that point. Now as we grow and experience things- such as fighting with a friend (at this point your friend is 5) we process that ("she's so mean! I never want to be friends with her again!" *sobbing*) and out emotional bubble is forced outward at one point- creating a buldge in the bubble that is deepr in the total relm of emotion. Now instead of this bulge simply being forced back inwards, the rest of the bubble expans (slowly) to meet it, so that your relm of experience is larger. Now the same events can force the bubble to expand differently (such as when you are 16 and fight with a friend, and it is not nearly as devistating as when you were 5- now it creates a smaller bulge). Some things (like death) will always be devistating, and thus will always force the bubble way outwards, and may intensify the bulges caused by other events that you precieve the same way.
Now since your bubble expands with everything that happens to you, when you stand at the edge out your bubble- forced there by a good or bad event- you can see a much greater and more acurate picture of life and the realm of emotion that you are familiar with. This you can better replicate or describe it.
This is why Motzart could create such music. His life had forced his emotional bubble to from in a way that he could see a comparitively very large section of the emotional realm. so he could describle that area better, and even when life did not force him to the edge of that bubble, because he was in such a place as having described and expanded the bubble so much, he was able to speak of different areas in the realm in his music.
Thus the bubble theroy.
You see, we are all created in a sort of emotional bubble, (seriously, imagine a bubble-suspend it in something, and make it stretchy) and that is the realm of our emotion at that point. Now as we grow and experience things- such as fighting with a friend (at this point your friend is 5) we process that ("she's so mean! I never want to be friends with her again!" *sobbing*) and out emotional bubble is forced outward at one point- creating a buldge in the bubble that is deepr in the total relm of emotion. Now instead of this bulge simply being forced back inwards, the rest of the bubble expans (slowly) to meet it, so that your relm of experience is larger. Now the same events can force the bubble to expand differently (such as when you are 16 and fight with a friend, and it is not nearly as devistating as when you were 5- now it creates a smaller bulge). Some things (like death) will always be devistating, and thus will always force the bubble way outwards, and may intensify the bulges caused by other events that you precieve the same way.
Now since your bubble expands with everything that happens to you, when you stand at the edge out your bubble- forced there by a good or bad event- you can see a much greater and more acurate picture of life and the realm of emotion that you are familiar with. This you can better replicate or describe it.
This is why Motzart could create such music. His life had forced his emotional bubble to from in a way that he could see a comparitively very large section of the emotional realm. so he could describle that area better, and even when life did not force him to the edge of that bubble, because he was in such a place as having described and expanded the bubble so much, he was able to speak of different areas in the realm in his music.
Thus the bubble theroy.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Just Make A Wish
Yeterday was my birthday.
I'm 18!
Never has the term "adult" been so missaplied.
I had a really great day. I hung out with people I love, had a nice dinner, and heard from people I don't get to see everyday.
There were a few people I was hoping to hear from, but I'm not going to get to hung up on that.
Do you know what I whished for? What I want more than anything? I want all the people I love, from all my famlies, together again. Safe. Happy.
I want us all to be together.
Do you hear that guys? I don't care if I heven't seen you in forever, or didn't know you to well.
IF YOU WERE EVER PART OF MY FAMILY, I WANT YOU TO COME BACK.
This espescially goes put to everyon from my Kyrios or youth ministry famlies.
I miss you.
Even if it take forever, I want you to know that you are ALWAYS welcome, and I am ALWAYS there for you.
I'm 18!
Never has the term "adult" been so missaplied.
I had a really great day. I hung out with people I love, had a nice dinner, and heard from people I don't get to see everyday.
There were a few people I was hoping to hear from, but I'm not going to get to hung up on that.
Do you know what I whished for? What I want more than anything? I want all the people I love, from all my famlies, together again. Safe. Happy.
I want us all to be together.
Do you hear that guys? I don't care if I heven't seen you in forever, or didn't know you to well.
IF YOU WERE EVER PART OF MY FAMILY, I WANT YOU TO COME BACK.
This espescially goes put to everyon from my Kyrios or youth ministry famlies.
I miss you.
Even if it take forever, I want you to know that you are ALWAYS welcome, and I am ALWAYS there for you.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
So I Was Thinking
This entry isn't about my project. You see, yesterday I was facebook stalking my friend, and I found a link on her wall that another friend posted for a song called "Science and Faith" by The Script. I followed it and I wasn't expecting much, but I LOVE THIS SONG!!! Actually, I just love the band in general, the sound really appeals to me, but its even cooler. As the name implies it's about this guy and his girlfriend discussing the nature of love and science.
The thing I liked best here was that as its been stuck in my head all day, and since I read this article about science and faith, I keep thinking about the "false dichotomy" (thank you The Missing for the term) that this time period has set up between the two. Eventually it will work out. Most people don't have a problem with one or the other, just in an action. People who want to believe in only science don't like that faith puts limitations on what can ethically be done for the sake of experiment. People who don't like science are really just against how science keeps trying to push the exceptable boundaries.
I myself have an issue with the fact that science won't except that there are boundaries on what it can and should do. But I'm not against science. It's actually not uncommon for people to be not only a person of faith but also a person of science.
Example: Gregor Mendal- the father of genetics- also a Catholic priest
In gym as we were playing volleyball, it hit me- "one day will people look back a this time and see us the way that we see the dark ages?"
I think we like to believe that we are living in a time of light and understanding, much like that way that people looked at the world during the last few centuries (like between the -17 hundreds and say... the flight-phones-cars area) like they were living in an era of great advancement and knowledge, an era that they believed was approaching perfection. They were so proud of their times. Now I look back on it and admire the changes that were happening- but I see the flaws. Overall it just seems to me a time period that is strange and dark and wonderful.
In opposition I look back at the dark ages with a kind of sadness. They were learning as best they could, trying to be modern, but they didn't advance. I feel bad for them- for the fact that they thought they were so civilized- that they didn't see the things that were going wrong.
I'm sad to say that though a few generations may see this time period as an era of advancement, I think that many will think of us as a new dark ages, even with all our technology and science. They will se individual greatness, as we do, but in general they will see a century that amazingly were so wrong in trying to organize the world, a century steeped in human arrogance.
It's a bit unnerving to consider, but I don't think they'll see us as much.
The thing I liked best here was that as its been stuck in my head all day, and since I read this article about science and faith, I keep thinking about the "false dichotomy" (thank you The Missing for the term) that this time period has set up between the two. Eventually it will work out. Most people don't have a problem with one or the other, just in an action. People who want to believe in only science don't like that faith puts limitations on what can ethically be done for the sake of experiment. People who don't like science are really just against how science keeps trying to push the exceptable boundaries.
I myself have an issue with the fact that science won't except that there are boundaries on what it can and should do. But I'm not against science. It's actually not uncommon for people to be not only a person of faith but also a person of science.
Example: Gregor Mendal- the father of genetics- also a Catholic priest
In gym as we were playing volleyball, it hit me- "one day will people look back a this time and see us the way that we see the dark ages?"
I think we like to believe that we are living in a time of light and understanding, much like that way that people looked at the world during the last few centuries (like between the -17 hundreds and say... the flight-phones-cars area) like they were living in an era of great advancement and knowledge, an era that they believed was approaching perfection. They were so proud of their times. Now I look back on it and admire the changes that were happening- but I see the flaws. Overall it just seems to me a time period that is strange and dark and wonderful.
In opposition I look back at the dark ages with a kind of sadness. They were learning as best they could, trying to be modern, but they didn't advance. I feel bad for them- for the fact that they thought they were so civilized- that they didn't see the things that were going wrong.
I'm sad to say that though a few generations may see this time period as an era of advancement, I think that many will think of us as a new dark ages, even with all our technology and science. They will se individual greatness, as we do, but in general they will see a century that amazingly were so wrong in trying to organize the world, a century steeped in human arrogance.
It's a bit unnerving to consider, but I don't think they'll see us as much.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Confessions Part 1
Guess what?
I presented my movie today! And it went really really well! I'm happy about this, and I'm proud that people liked it.
My teacher facilitatated a discussion about it all afterwards, and even though I wouldn't have guessed that this was where it would go (we had a whole discussion about suicide), it was cool.
Remember how yesterday I was freaking out because I wouldn't be able to talk? That was because today was the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, and so a bunch of us walked aroud with our mouths covered in red duct tape to take a stand for those who have no voice.
It was hard trying to give a presentation like that. Because you can't give much input that wasn't prepared ahead of time. You can't throw in directions. Or a comment. Or explain yourself.
I think that it was better doing it without talking though. It meant that I actually forced myself to prepare. It made me try to do something that was actually more interesting then just getting up there and rambling. And it made the class THINK, because they couldn't rely on me to fill in the blanks for them. I liked that.
All being said it was terrifying.
And awesome. I would recomend it.
I presented my movie today! And it went really really well! I'm happy about this, and I'm proud that people liked it.
My teacher facilitatated a discussion about it all afterwards, and even though I wouldn't have guessed that this was where it would go (we had a whole discussion about suicide), it was cool.
Remember how yesterday I was freaking out because I wouldn't be able to talk? That was because today was the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, and so a bunch of us walked aroud with our mouths covered in red duct tape to take a stand for those who have no voice.
It was hard trying to give a presentation like that. Because you can't give much input that wasn't prepared ahead of time. You can't throw in directions. Or a comment. Or explain yourself.
I think that it was better doing it without talking though. It meant that I actually forced myself to prepare. It made me try to do something that was actually more interesting then just getting up there and rambling. And it made the class THINK, because they couldn't rely on me to fill in the blanks for them. I liked that.
All being said it was terrifying.
And awesome. I would recomend it.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Tomorrow
4th hour tomorrow I have to present the video I made. I worked hard on it, but I don't really like it right now, and I'm worried because I have to present and no one else has gone yet. I honestly don't know what is going to happen and I'm scared. I won't be able to even talk if it all goes wrong. I wish I could just not ever present, but my presenting is worth like 200 pts so I can't not do that. I love the potential of this work, but it's so complicated, and I'm tired and it's not what I hoped it would be. I seriously had a nightmare last night that my project was yelling at me in Italian. I don't know more than a few words in Italian, so I have no idea why I think that's what it was, but I did. I kept yelling back at it in english "I'M DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN!!!" It was bad. I need this week to be over so that I can relax and not spend my life thinking about what I need for projects, and my friends, and my sister's birthday, and why my bf is acting all weird on me, and red duct tape. I dropped choir today, and I'm upset about it, but there wasn't anything else that I could do. I need my life back. I need to breathe. And I need a good night's sleep really, really badly.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
A Real Update
For the last few days I keep doing technical entries, but I wanted to do a real update too.
I'm really stressed out right now. I have so much to do and in school and I need to have my video finished by the end of the day tomorrow, because I need to test the file. This is going to require hours and hours of work for me.
I need to turn in my story and have it graded a day or two after I present my movie, and it's not there yet at all.
This project is really important to me, and very personal as well, so I'm extra excited and stressed out here.
I have 2 other projects due this week, and would have 3 but I'm dropping choir tomorrow (can't avoid it anymore).
I'm exhausted. Seriously. Running on empty here.
College stuff is due soon.
1) LAMESAUCE
2) I don't know all of it yet.
3) At this point it sounds like a bad idea
That's my update. Not much there you haven't heard actually. But whatever.
I'm really stressed out right now. I have so much to do and in school and I need to have my video finished by the end of the day tomorrow, because I need to test the file. This is going to require hours and hours of work for me.
I need to turn in my story and have it graded a day or two after I present my movie, and it's not there yet at all.
This project is really important to me, and very personal as well, so I'm extra excited and stressed out here.
I have 2 other projects due this week, and would have 3 but I'm dropping choir tomorrow (can't avoid it anymore).
I'm exhausted. Seriously. Running on empty here.
College stuff is due soon.
1) LAMESAUCE
2) I don't know all of it yet.
3) At this point it sounds like a bad idea
That's my update. Not much there you haven't heard actually. But whatever.
Notes, Notes, Notes...
So by the rules of my project I have to have notes on my subject, which by requirements of my rubric I need to organize ( doubble :p ). Here goes...
Bio:
vangogh was a dutchman, but he spent a lot more time in France than the Netherlands.
he made 900 paintings.
he loved his family even though he didn't get along with people. His brother and nephew were very important to him.
he liked color and imagery.
he was not mentally stable. Some sources believe that this was due to manic depression and certain poisons he ingested.
he tried to take his own life, and died of complications 2 days later.
his father was a preacher, and he wanted to be one too at one point in his life.
he was a very passionate person.
he cut off part of his ear.
he was not good at love. or friendship.
he had trouble controlling his hands later in life (arthritis perhaps?)
he only sold one painting, but after his death his sister in law worked to make him famous.
Things I've gathered:
He was incredibly deep and complex, and so people had trouble understanding him.
He sort of burned himself out. I think he was the sort of person who has to put his all into everything, and as much as that is why he was successful, that's what destroyed him.
Even though he didn't know how to handle himself, he did the best he could and was a good man, who had a wonderful view of beauty, life and God.
He had a lot to offer the world, and still does, if only people would know and would have known how to understand him.
Bio:
vangogh was a dutchman, but he spent a lot more time in France than the Netherlands.
he made 900 paintings.
he loved his family even though he didn't get along with people. His brother and nephew were very important to him.
he liked color and imagery.
he was not mentally stable. Some sources believe that this was due to manic depression and certain poisons he ingested.
he tried to take his own life, and died of complications 2 days later.
his father was a preacher, and he wanted to be one too at one point in his life.
he was a very passionate person.
he cut off part of his ear.
he was not good at love. or friendship.
he had trouble controlling his hands later in life (arthritis perhaps?)
he only sold one painting, but after his death his sister in law worked to make him famous.
Things I've gathered:
He was incredibly deep and complex, and so people had trouble understanding him.
He sort of burned himself out. I think he was the sort of person who has to put his all into everything, and as much as that is why he was successful, that's what destroyed him.
Even though he didn't know how to handle himself, he did the best he could and was a good man, who had a wonderful view of beauty, life and God.
He had a lot to offer the world, and still does, if only people would know and would have known how to understand him.
Time to make Connections
In truth, I don't just decide to sit down and look for connections between things. I might do that occasionally, or supplementarity, but usually I'm just going along along, thinking about things and then I have a light-bulb moment and think "HAHAHAHA I'VE GOT IT!!!!". This has been a combination for both. Connection between van Gogh and my life were more seamless, while connecting his work to the nature of God was a bit more systematic for me. I started by realizing that's actually what he was painting. Then I put myself into the art, the man's life, and the feeling of it all. It came more easily then. I was choosing pictures and I was thinking how they showed his theory on God. He saw God as wild, something man could never control. He found God in the silence and loneliness of open spaces. He saw the paths laid before his feet and the way that God was like a friend. Even when he was at bad times in his life he found God in the stars- constant even in his inner turmoil. SO far I was with him, but then his life took a turn that I couldn't agree with. Vincent tried to take his own life, and where he was desperate, I have myself found a loving God who will never give me more than I can handle, and makes sure that I have everything that I need. Why else would God create us, or give beauty to existence? Everything that he painted doesn't fit unless there is a loving and merciful God. That's what Vincent painted above everything else even if he couldn't see it himself.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
How I'm gonna Pull This Off
I decided to really put my all into this, because this project is really important to me. So what I'm going to do is for my evaluation, I'm going to write a story about someone finding the Nature of God through the art of Van Gogh. This has been difficult so far. I've made it much to complex for the length of the story. For my class presentation I thought about giving everyone a copy of the story, but 1) didn't think I could use one story for both this and my evaluation and 2) I guard my creations for the most part, and knew that this story would be to personal for me to hand out to everyone. So I decided that a slideshow type movie would be cool and a little bit less personal for me so I wouldn't be as nervous or as hurt if it didn't go over as well as I would hope.
Story+ Movie+ blog (this one, used for the smaller assignments)= Project Completed
Let's do this.
Story+ Movie+ blog (this one, used for the smaller assignments)= Project Completed
Let's do this.
Source List
Alright, so I have to have sources for my project, so here is my list- complete with descriptions.
1) Vggallery- a website supported by the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam. includes an online gallery, a collection of his letters, and analysis of his life and art. AWESOME SOURCE!!!!
2) Starry, Starry Night- song remade by Josh Groban about the life and art of Van Gogh. Beautiful, and hints an his mental state, genius, beauty of art, and the underlying message in his art (at least that there is one). Originally by Don McLean, but I don't like that version because it just sound wrong. and there is a lyrics of analysis in source 4, but I think they missed something.
3) Brainy Quote- generic quote website. I used the pages with quotes by my artist, and on art. I also looked at the quotes on God, but didn't find any that I wanted to use (and there were a LOT to look through, so I gave up at one point)
4) Van Gogh Gallery- this is yet another website that has lyrics, pictures, biographical info, museums, all about VG. Good site to know.
5) Van Gogh by Rene (insert accent on last e) Hyughe- book with art, letter excerpts, sketches, analysis of personality/ life/art, ...
1) Vggallery- a website supported by the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam. includes an online gallery, a collection of his letters, and analysis of his life and art. AWESOME SOURCE!!!!
2) Starry, Starry Night- song remade by Josh Groban about the life and art of Van Gogh. Beautiful, and hints an his mental state, genius, beauty of art, and the underlying message in his art (at least that there is one). Originally by Don McLean, but I don't like that version because it just sound wrong. and there is a lyrics of analysis in source 4, but I think they missed something.
3) Brainy Quote- generic quote website. I used the pages with quotes by my artist, and on art. I also looked at the quotes on God, but didn't find any that I wanted to use (and there were a LOT to look through, so I gave up at one point)
4) Van Gogh Gallery- this is yet another website that has lyrics, pictures, biographical info, museums, all about VG. Good site to know.
5) Van Gogh by Rene (insert accent on last e) Hyughe- book with art, letter excerpts, sketches, analysis of personality/ life/art, ...
Crunch Time
My project is due this week, so I've been putting in the hours this weekend to make it all work. Yesterday I spent hours looking at painting in a fabulous online gallery (google vggallery if you're interested), and making a list of paintings to put in my presentation. There are some really beautiful pieces of art, and I found a ton that I could use for my movie. There is also information about some of the art, and it was really cool to get to know VanGogh as a person through the commentary. For instance I learned that he liked to paint outside, he created Starry Night while he had checked himself into an asylum, and his nephew was named for him. I was laughing thinking about how excited he was that his nephew was named Vincent, and how proud he was that the kid was interested in his artwork. It was just so cute! :)
I'm also trying to catch up on my entries and work on the story part of my project. It's really coming along. I have one character pretty much finished, and I've started the other one, but she's much more difficult to articulate. I think I need to make her less complex, because she's having this faith crisis which is necessary to the plot, but I was also trying to write in her depression, but I don't think I have time to develop it, so as much as I love that piece of her, I may write it out. Basically, I'm working really hard to do as much as I can in a short span if time.
LES'T GO HUMAN!!! YOU CAN DO IT :D
I'm also trying to catch up on my entries and work on the story part of my project. It's really coming along. I have one character pretty much finished, and I've started the other one, but she's much more difficult to articulate. I think I need to make her less complex, because she's having this faith crisis which is necessary to the plot, but I was also trying to write in her depression, but I don't think I have time to develop it, so as much as I love that piece of her, I may write it out. Basically, I'm working really hard to do as much as I can in a short span if time.
LES'T GO HUMAN!!! YOU CAN DO IT :D
Friday, September 30, 2011
Changing Perspective
So by now I've started researching my area of interest for my first project- Vincent VanGough. I haven't gotten very far, but as I've been looking at what I know about him, and reading about his life, and looking at his art, and reading parts of his letters, and singing the songs about him, I've started to wonder, what if as much as I would like to believe that he created for beauty and about existance, what if that isn't what VanGough was about at all? I can't help looking at it all and seeing something much, much bigger. I think he was looking for the nature of God, and if that is true, then shouldn't I be looking for that explanation when I see it? I started in on this looking for myself and so studying existance, but as much as I am still unsure of myself, I think this could really be a chance for me to relearn the things that I know to be true about God in my life. The more I think about it, the more I know that this is what I will end up doing eventually, but the part that is going to be difficult is tryng to explain the connections between what I know, and what I've studdied and seen. I'm nervous about how people will react, because I know I need to put my all into it- I can't do this otherwise.
I was ranting to my mom about this last night, about how this is finally a chance for me to bring everything together, and I had to admit that I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to do something that everyone will reject, something that they won't understand, or something that makes them go "wow, you have wayyyy to much time on your hands you crazy nerd" (there is a look that comunicates this). See, if I'm gonna do this at all, I need to go all in. It wouldn't be fair to myself or my subject matter otherwise. I'm already off to a good start- I'm doing less procrastinating (this is major progress). The potential demands it, even if that means I don't know exactly what is gonna happen next in this process.
I'm also realizing again why this artist interests me so much. After all I've seen, and after I've looked to the art a million times, it still takes my breath away. I think it's because I see myself in him. I used to joke that it was probably a good thing that there was only one of my, because I didn't know that the workd could handle more than one of us, or even if we could. What I'm starting to realize is that there have been others like myself throughout history and possibly even in the present, nearby. I see something in these people, but there is this block- like a firewall for understanding, because our similarity only goes so far. That doesn't happen so much here though, it's like I can see what he is doing because our minds work the same way. It's a strange, somewhat terrifying thought.
I was ranting to my mom about this last night, about how this is finally a chance for me to bring everything together, and I had to admit that I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to do something that everyone will reject, something that they won't understand, or something that makes them go "wow, you have wayyyy to much time on your hands you crazy nerd" (there is a look that comunicates this). See, if I'm gonna do this at all, I need to go all in. It wouldn't be fair to myself or my subject matter otherwise. I'm already off to a good start- I'm doing less procrastinating (this is major progress). The potential demands it, even if that means I don't know exactly what is gonna happen next in this process.
I'm also realizing again why this artist interests me so much. After all I've seen, and after I've looked to the art a million times, it still takes my breath away. I think it's because I see myself in him. I used to joke that it was probably a good thing that there was only one of my, because I didn't know that the workd could handle more than one of us, or even if we could. What I'm starting to realize is that there have been others like myself throughout history and possibly even in the present, nearby. I see something in these people, but there is this block- like a firewall for understanding, because our similarity only goes so far. That doesn't happen so much here though, it's like I can see what he is doing because our minds work the same way. It's a strange, somewhat terrifying thought.
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