A Drop In The Ocean

Well ladies and gentlemen, in case you haven't heard I made it to California. In other news it is hot here and I don't understand why anywhere should be hot in NOVEMBER. I am a Chicago girl- this is entirely unnatural and I don't believe that I will ever actually get used to it. Ever.

Now on to tonight's ramblings. Lucky you! (Not really, but welcome to my inner thoughts anyway)

I titled the post tonight after a song by Ron Pope: A Drop in the Ocean

The reason is for the refrain:
A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather, I was praying that you and me might end up together
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but I'm holding you closer than most
'cause you are my heaven

If you don't already know, I have a very vivid imagination, which can be a terror. But it can also be a thing of great beauty. Tonight there is supposed to be a meteor shower- a million shooting stars right above my head all night long. A million wishes to be made even though I'm supposed to be grown up by now. Forget that for a moment.

It got me thinking about all the wishes I make everyday. Most of the time I won't admit to myself that they are wishes, I can them vague hopes, but they mean the same thing to me.

Mostly I dream for myself a future. A wonderful man to come and take me away to see the world and take risks. A man who really loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and doesn't mind that I dream about having a family and a big dog and converting a random building into a home because then it would be uniquely ours. My own personal price charming walked out of my own personal eden.
I dream of who I will become- a respected film maker- elegant, classy, a woman who radiates identity. The kind of woman who wears perfect red heels, beautifully fitted dresses, and smells on Chanel No 5.
I dream of a life together full of old, forgotten traditions, and warm banter, and sitting with him in the middle of nowhere, wrapped in his arms and showing him the letters I've been writing that now I see were for him. Loving each other perfectly and making our relationship work even though it is nearly impossible.

So yes, I dream strange, impossible dreams. I have a "perfect" life planned in my head. And I know that it will never happen. But I dream anyway, because it gives me something to look forwards to when I'm tired and lonely and afraid because I'm so trapped in my own head that it feels like I will never get out.

I'm a dreamer. I hope one day it gets me somewhere.

Something Useful

Hey guess what? I've found something that I learned in school that I've actually found useful for outside purpouses! It's called a brain dump and I'm pleased to bring it to your attencion.

It is what it sounds like- a simple spilling of whatevers in your head. You can do it on a cretain topic or just the first things that pop into your head. You can list of write sentences or doodle or rant. Just go. 

My teaches taught me this to help with essay topics in english (once) and essay questions in history (repeatedly). The reasoning of my english teacher was to find out what you care about enough to write about, and the rational os the history department was that if you wrote down everything you could think of about a question than chances are that something will be correct so they can give you credit on the test.

I personally use it for writing talks and creative writing, and thus have altered the technique a little bit (hence the doodles and listing). I love doinf this because when I just have ideas spinning in no useful order for a story or talk I can jjuat spit them out as they come and worry about deciphering them later and making them fit. My head is usually so full of random ideas or details about whatever I'm doing that I have to get it all out before I can actually think. So I ramble on a scrap page or the margins of a given outline, or open a clean page in my notebook, and go for it. Oddly enough it works- so I am greatful to my teachers for introducing the idea.

Point of this drabble? Tip from the writer's shop: keep the brain dump on file. Whenever you need to organize, inspire, or brainstorm, have at it and see if it helps. At the very least it may get rid of your writer's block and give you a good idea or phrase to work with.

ENJOY!

Let's Have Dinner

Heartbeat- the Fray

It's summer and I realize I haven't posted in a long time, but I also realize that no one actually reads this blog so I'm not quite so worried about that.
I've been either busy or sick or both so far this summer and I have a ton of stuff I need to do for school and I need a job and whatever.

The title tonight came from Sherlock on BBC again- "I'm sad tonight, let's have dinner." That's where I'm at right now. Just sad tonight. I'm stressed and sick and facing down the rest of my life, and it all makes me sad. It probably doesn't help that I've been on a lowered dose of my meds the last couple days since my bottle of pills ended up in my brother's room and no one noticed the switch until last night after I was in bed.

So yeah, I'm sad tonight, let's have dinner. Seriously. We can get a bad pizza or something and just sit and be quiet and everything will go away for a little while so that we have our own corner of the world.

If the world I imagine was real than tonight I would build a fire and call up a friend and he would put an arm around my shoulders and we would sit and enjoy each other's company, maybe call for takeout eventually and tell stupid stories. It's not a complex fantasy, just one that feels out of reach right now because everyone wants an explanation when you call and only one friend understands the existing thing and another the huggy thing and I am incapable of morphing them together at this point in time. Chances are if I did they would actually become a chatty no-contact person and I would be sitting there thinking "well that's not at all helpful".

The Fan Fiction Bug

Earlier this year my friend Anna truly introduced me to fan fiction. I have been thoroughly intrigued and entertained by the good work I have found as a result, and saddened at the notion of the original writers weeping and turning in their graves over the bad ones (and there have been some).

I have taken, more often in the last months or so, to writing my own attempts at fan fiction. So far I have published one, for it is difficult to force this type of writing and my time and inspiration have been mutually exclusive of late. today though, I have currents 5 fics spinning in my head and need to get to writing already. I wish I could publish more of the work I have completed (which is not much), but I wrote out of chronological order and so I would be publishing about characters I have yet to introduce the Sherlock fan fiction community to (since they are a product of my own mind) and that would only confuse people. To give you an idea of the jump, I married these characters off to other respective characters in the series. Cute, but hard to appreciate if you have never met them before. Lucky for me, I do know them so I can enjoy the world I have crated for myself and the little fluff I conjure up.

I know no one is probably reading this, but if you would be interested in my fics eventually, comment and I will either post them here or send you a link to my fic profile so you can see them.

So Came the Summer

I Graduated! On to new adventures that we call life- new destinations, new stories, new people and challenges. I'm excited, and a little scared. The whole thing is pretty bizarre. But hey, we made it. And I'd like to thank the friends, family, and teachers who patiently put up with us all up to that point and supported and inspired us. The people who were there in our best and worst moments with a smile and a calm hand, telling us to let go and jut spread our wings a little bit further to catch the rising winds.

Ladies and gentlemen, we survived. Now let us offer our thanks for the grace and good angles that brought us here.

Mazel Tov!!!

From the Trenches

Only a few more weeks ladies and gentlemen. In a few weeks I will be graduated and moving on to, hopefully, bigger and better things. If I can get through these next few weeks that is.

I have projects coming out of my ears and college is up in the air, again, taking off just when I thought it was coming in for a landing.

Prom is this week, and I still need shoes and a belt for my dress.

I'm just generally stressed and unsure about life in general right now.

Hopefully though, if I can get through this next part of my life, there will be something for me in the field I want, with people I love, and I life that I will be happy with. I'm going to have to trust that God knows what he's doing with this and work my butt off to get all this school work done before the AP tests.

Prayers would be much appreciated.

Thanks

All My Secrets

Song- Echo by Jason Walker

"I don't count"- Molly from Sherlock

One day, I'm going to find the time, and the place, and the person to tell all my secrets. Everything. and it's going to hurt. Telling secrets does, trying to explain the contents of your heart, what it means to be you, to hurt in only the ways that you can hurt.

You want to know something great about life? There is somewhere, someone who gets it. Someone who can see you, someone who probably "doesn't count" in your life by their own estimation. That person is so important, so beautiful. It is a gift, an amazing GIFT it really be seen by someone, and that should never be underestimated.

Dear beautiful, you who understand,
thank you. thank you for seeing me, even though you have never met me, and never will by all probability. Thank you for explaining when people don't see. They still don't, but I appreciate that you tried, and that you get it. You understand heartbreak, and fear, and detachment. You know death, and hurt, and what real friendship is, and what it means to believe in someone, even when they tell you that you shouldn't. It's wonderful to see that someone else in my vein of explanation can see. One day, I want to shake your hand. All of you.

You are brilliant!!!


Yes, it means that much. My secrets on display for all the world, even though they don't know that they are mine.

Yes my friends, somebody gets it. And they will show the world.

Now we just need to learn to observe.

Tell me your secrets.

Let me tell you mine.