So by now I've started researching my area of interest for my first project- Vincent VanGough. I haven't gotten very far, but as I've been looking at what I know about him, and reading about his life, and looking at his art, and reading parts of his letters, and singing the songs about him, I've started to wonder, what if as much as I would like to believe that he created for beauty and about existance, what if that isn't what VanGough was about at all? I can't help looking at it all and seeing something much, much bigger. I think he was looking for the nature of God, and if that is true, then shouldn't I be looking for that explanation when I see it? I started in on this looking for myself and so studying existance, but as much as I am still unsure of myself, I think this could really be a chance for me to relearn the things that I know to be true about God in my life. The more I think about it, the more I know that this is what I will end up doing eventually, but the part that is going to be difficult is tryng to explain the connections between what I know, and what I've studdied and seen. I'm nervous about how people will react, because I know I need to put my all into it- I can't do this otherwise.
I was ranting to my mom about this last night, about how this is finally a chance for me to bring everything together, and I had to admit that I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to do something that everyone will reject, something that they won't understand, or something that makes them go "wow, you have wayyyy to much time on your hands you crazy nerd" (there is a look that comunicates this). See, if I'm gonna do this at all, I need to go all in. It wouldn't be fair to myself or my subject matter otherwise. I'm already off to a good start- I'm doing less procrastinating (this is major progress). The potential demands it, even if that means I don't know exactly what is gonna happen next in this process.
I'm also realizing again why this artist interests me so much. After all I've seen, and after I've looked to the art a million times, it still takes my breath away. I think it's because I see myself in him. I used to joke that it was probably a good thing that there was only one of my, because I didn't know that the workd could handle more than one of us, or even if we could. What I'm starting to realize is that there have been others like myself throughout history and possibly even in the present, nearby. I see something in these people, but there is this block- like a firewall for understanding, because our similarity only goes so far. That doesn't happen so much here though, it's like I can see what he is doing because our minds work the same way. It's a strange, somewhat terrifying thought.
